No matter how hard I try to make sure we are organized something always goes "wrong" I plan,make list, and reorganize all day. But when something doesn't go as expected it can make or break a situation.

I will start of by telling you I had to go to the doctor yesterday. I have been feeling run down, stomach hurts, legs hurt, grouchy,getting migraines, neck and throat hurting. Just to name a few. When I got into the doctor's office I was thinking GOD I DON'T want cancer! I was freaking out pretty much. After talking to her and explaining some things I realized I have a problem. I am not sick. I am worrying about everything and nothing. I spend everyday making sure everyone has everything they need all day long! If they don't have it I get it. I make sure nobody has worries,issue or anything else. I also worry ALOT. My kids will never understand why I worry but I know my husband does. I stay up most of the night making sure things are done, thinking and tossing and turning. By the time I fall asleep at around midnight I wake about 2-3 more times. Did I do this? Did I do that? ALL NIGHT. Oh and then there is the thoughts of if someone breaks in will I hear them? Will Terry? Or will they grab our kids in the night and we will never know? Yes I seriously do this. It gets better...If the house catches on fire will we wake? I have placed a smoke detector at each door and I still worry. We have taught or 4yr old to run to Jeff's (2 houses away) and he will tell you "if the house is on fire run to Jeff's house" So it doesn't stop there...when the girls leave the house I am in constant fear they will be in an accident. I text them every hour to make sure they are ok. If they don't respond I am in an instant worry and call. I would say I must get on their nerves but they are used to it. I never put my cell phone down because in my mind if they need help and I don't have my phone it would be my fault if it was something tragic.
So as I am telling my doctor how I feel and I have a break down. I really didn't realize how bad I panic. I think of every horrible scenario before I do anything. That is causing me all the symptoms I have been experiencing.
My lack of sleep and worrying go back 5yrs ago to that accident....since that day my life changed. If only things would have been different that day. The loss of a parent if difficult for any person but when it is a careless accident I think it is a little more traumatic. Things can happen so fast and I guess that day made me constantly stay on top of everyone in this house. If Nick gets never murky water I instantly start to panic and have to get him away. If Lauren is going some were I make her take someone, if Natalie is out playing she has to have a friend with her at all times and Ashlynn well she is with me non stop so....
I never realized all of this until I said it all out loud yesterday. WOW is all I could say. No wonder I am not feeling well. So she wants me to get a weeks worth of sleep (at night) and after that go from there with the symptoms. OK I can do that!

I left the doctor to rush home to grab Lauren because she was being inducted into the National Honor Society. We pull up at 5:55 and notice all the girls are in dresses and boys in ties. OH NO she must have missed the memo on what to wear!!! She is in jeans and a cute top! I say Lauren lets go home! "no mom it is fine" OK.
Well at 6:25 she is feeling way under dressed and says I am going home to put on a dress! Well it took her 20 minutes, she cried the way there and on the way back as she pulled into the parking lot they called her name. Oh my great gravy!! Not only did she miss it I forgot the disk for my camera to take pictures afterwards! UGH!

As Lauren and I got into the truck afterwards we fell apart. Sometimes things don't go as planned. Whatever the reason they don't go your way no matter how much you plan and try. She was very upset that she missed it and said things are never smooth for us. Something always goes wrong. I then had to explain to her you are right we do have alot of roadblocks but that is part of life. Look at all the things that happen that we laugh at now. Last time we went camping they didn't have our reservation, the call taker made it 100 miles away from that location. I laughed and said "only us" It really is always something and that is fine. If these are the worst things we go thru I am fine with that because we have memories. I told her just think when you are on the stage your Senior year for NHS you will look back and laugh at that.


So after we cried for about an 1 hour last night I decided ok I will take this sleep aid my doctor gave me. I NEVER take anything other than Tylenol, I am just weird like that. The entire time I was thinking something will go wrong and I hope I wake up. WELL...Lauren was up all night with intense stomach pain and Ashlynn woke at 4 a.m vomiting! I knew it! But I was able to wake up for it all.

So I will say I am going to use these next few days to STOP and take a deep breath and let life happen. I hope it goes well and you know if it doesn't I will be writing about it!